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Pagefire Presents​.​.​. Vulgar Display of Hagrid

by Pagefire

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1.
MUSCLE WIZARD CASTS FIST Dursley got a gun in my face? Expecto my fist! Dudley’s crying in the corner? Expecto my fist! There’s a basilik in the drain? Expecto my fist! Draco malfoy exist? Expecto my fist! Who-oah I don’t need a wand To take care of you Who-oh you’re gonna need it When I’m done with you So expecto my fist! Ron beat me in wizard chess? Expecto my fist! Hermionie read a book? Expecto my fist! Who-oh I don’t need a want To keep up in a fair fight Who-oh you’re gonna need it When I punch out your light So expecto my fist! Harry potter wears glasses? Expecto my fist! NERD! Dubledore’s gonna fire me? Expecto my fist! Old man! Voldemort wants me to die? Don’t make me laugh You’re not the first, not the last And I'm gonna break your bones in half! Who-oah I don’t need a wand To take care of you Who-oh you’re gonna need it When I’m done with you So expecto my fist!
2.
My name is Hagrid and this is my game I'll gonna kick the one who shall not be named I'm an animal handler, the fairest of fair I drive a motorcycle powered by hair Father of fluffy, a dragons mom When I was young I made a spider bomb I'm cooler than a blizzard I'm a hairy wizard In the forbidden forest, that’s where I sing saw a gingerbread house, I just ate the whole thing I wasn’t hungry, but that’s how it goes Someones homeless, selling their toes I’m a forest keeper, what goes in is mine Devoured students, no bones no crime I’m not a tiny lizard I’m a hairy wizard
3.
You’re not a dementor, but you still suck at life You’re not Dumbledore, you don't have an afterlife You’re not a phoenix cause you can’t cheat death You’re not Serious Black, cause you don't do meth Let me tell you what you are You’re a wizard harry! You’re not a Boggard cause you only scare yourself You can buy your own socks, so you’re not a house-elf You’re not a minotaur cause don’t have 4 legs You’re not a spider cause you don’t lay eggs Let me tell you what you are You’re a wizard harry! You’re not a ghost cause you’re not that transparent You’re not happy cause you don’t have parents Let me tell you what you are You’re a wizard harry! You can never be Hagrid cause you're super fake You’re a wizard harry! And it’s already too late
4.
I should not have said that I should not have said that Now they want me dead Dumbledore wants my head cut on his dinner plate, oh yeah
5.
Half-Giant 04:06
Half-Giant, Half-Stoned Smoke crack, Watch Porn Cmon harry dont be a wuss I smoke alot, and not just kush Lets drop some lsd Cmon harry, do it for me Your half giant, half-cool I do drugs, not just in school Cmon harry dont be a wuss I smoke alot, and not just kush Lets go smoke some cocain Heroin makes me reach the arcane Your half-giant, half-cool Lets do drugs, you tiny tool (Solo dialouge) Smoke with em harry I can see the dragon Is magic real? Are we real? Existential giant, are we real? Are we fiction, lets graba a meal. Oh shit its the wizard cops Runaway, leave harry He’ll be fine in solitary I’m not going back to azkaban Time to fly off and live off the land I have to change my identidy And go on another killing skree Half giant, do crime Do drugs, rewind “Uh yeah, dumbledore, harry didn't wanna come”
6.
Shut up Dursley let, ya great prune No one gives two-ton shit about you Coming in my face, waving a gun Well I'm gonna beat you with you son oh yeah I’m gonna knock you down like I did the door rip your guts out on the floor This is fight school, welcome to class I’m gonna kick you down and make you eat glass, so Shut up Dursley, yeh great prune I’m tired of the shit talk coming from you I’m gonna break your bones with a wire I’m gonna set your family on fire You thought you could run away, But you were wrong I’m gonna hollow out your bones And use them as a bong And smoke you do the ground I’m gonna put you down Shut up Dursley let, ya great prune No one gives two-ton shit about you Coming in my face, waving a gun Well I'm gonna beat you with you son oh yeah Shut up Dursley, yeh great prune I’m tired of the shit talk coming from you I’m gonna break your bones with a wire I’m gonna set your family on fire
7.
I saw her coming a mile away My heart skipped a beat She caught a bird and swallowed it whole Her teeth were bloody and sweet Christmas day, the children ran wild I can still hear their screams You and I make one hell of a team We will haunt their dreams I never knew I could feel such joy when she took a bite We danced in their blood all night Yeah, She’s tall Taller than me Yeah she’s tall Tall as a tree She can reach the starts and heaven above And laugh in the face of god She made him cry, he fell from the sky Man she’s one hell of a broad The bigger they are, the harder I fall In her arms tonight She cradles me in her gigantic bosoms of might Oh and she’s tall Taller than me Yeah, she’s tall I only reach up to her knee Then came the night she said goodbye the saddest day of my life She said don’t cry you sad little fly Or I’ll stab you with my knife The scar she left on my forehead looks better than yours harry! I’ll see her again cause she’s is the board I want to marry! Yep, she’s tall Taller than me Hell yeah she’s tall (tall!!) And one day we will be free Oh my she’s tall Like the fruit of the tallest tree I can’t reach at all At least we can all agree She’s is tall!
8.
Christmas time Christmas time Let’s all celebrate Christmas time Christmas time Christmas time Stop your whining on Christmas time Everyone gets a special toy Except for voldemort who's an evil boy Let’s re-enact the fall of troy On christmas time!!! Christmas crime Christmas crime Steal from Ron on Christmas time (hey) Christmas crime Christmas crime Everyone’s a criminal on Christmas time I get hungry for something stewed But I don’t want boring wizard food Time to start a blood feud For some chicken and lime Christmas Lime Christmas Lime Saddest meal on Christmas time Christmas Lime Christmas Lime I need to find a better rhyme (solo) Christmas, time Chicken, lime Commit, crime Better, rhyme x2 “Guys the song is too short, we need to filler it out a bit more. I dunno just repeat the verse/chorus thing again” Filler time I MEAN CHRISTMAS TIME I’m running out of ideas Filler time Yeah, Filler time Here's another chorus of mine Harry is an orphan nerd So I gave him a special bird But now it’s dead… HAHA Spoiler time! Spoiler time Spoiler time Harry kills Voldemort What a surprise Harry’s in jail Didn’t get bail Downfall of this franchise Put this on the next Jingle Spell compilation you cowards
9.
*Bark*
10.
Hagrid: ello ‘Arry Harry: wot? Hagrid: wanna go hunt some unicorns? Harry: Fuck yeah Hagrid Hagrid: How about you Hermione? Hermione: I wanna bathe in unicorn blood Hagrid: how about you ron? Ron: why are we going in the forbidden forest? Hardig: cause I’m hungry and I need bait (Kids screaming in joy, ron goes what?) Bring your crossbows Bring out your stillborn We're all gonna eat unicorn Tonight My fridge is empty My rage is full I got the strength of a raging bull lets fight A centaur steak tastes too much like a horse Basilisks stew is way too coarse I need a new taste that feels more distinct Dodos are good, but I made them extinct We’re all gonna hunt unicorn! We’re all gonna kill unicorn! We’re all gonna eat unicorn! Throw it in a pot with some sweet sweet corn We just got lost With nothing to eat Luckily ron’s here to be our treat Ron: What? Hagrid: I’m just joking hehe… unless Birds are delicious, but I just ate a bunch Spider sandwich has a lack of crunch Merfolk sushi tastes like a rotten egg But not as rotten as my house elf Greg Hermione: Where is greg btw? Hagrid: uhhh. On a farm. Ron: can I visit him? Hagrid: soon my delicious friend Ron: ...Wait what does that mean? We’re all gonna hunt unicorn! We’re all gonna kill unicorn! We’re all gonna eat unicorn! Throw it in a pot with some sweet sweet corn Hagrid: aw it’s just a wild Voldemort with a party hat. Wait... I haven't eaten THAT before. We’re all gonna eat Voldemort! We’re all gonna eat Voldemort! We’re all gonna eat Voldemort! Throw it in a pot before he takes us to court EAT THE EVIDENCE KIDS (CHeerings and zombie noises) Remember everyone when we get back, Ron was amputated because he “fell” (kids agree, Ron complains)
11.
I may be a Hogwarts student, but I’m also a satanist aaahhhh Sacrifice the Weasleys within immense inferno behold his abode burn akin to dragon's breath Ashes rush with the blast of behemoths By that, I mean the toot of titans Aaahhhh ignite the gingers For satan In the forest they rush like weaklings They despair the potent captain satans ahoy I will sacrifice them with the castle And attach their skin to stale When I exhibit them she must relish me The weakness from my fists will succumb The blaze from the dirt mandate me And by that I mean satan I’mo, Not’o, Okay’o x2 The command of the strongest hunt The agony is the honour for the prey I seize the sheep and unseat him downward bathe with the snakes in the pit Serpentine abyss Of toxin and gloom Let it flood to the flesh Covered in faeces bathing in the basin of snakes Crawling in the mass grave Death eaters More like bed wetters I am the strongest, I am the one Look into the serpents and despair I was a Hogwarts student now I’m the satanist Sacrifice to me Hagrid the greatest
12.
Wizard rock is a dried-up river How do these bands even look at themselves in the mirror Singers and songwriters, desperate for material I guess it’s very easy to write wizard song on that’s trivial They say it’s not easy I say it’s lemon squeezy Cause this gimmick can only last As long as we got books stuck in the past Cause you’re more than a gimmick You’re a parody in disguise You’re just another mimic Of a character from a franchise, you can’t criticize Write a bunch of filler lines Follow basic guidelines Then wait for the die-hard fans to make you shine Until the day this genre dies You will never get your Hogwarts letter Maybe that’s all for the better When wizard school is done, which job can you get with that coloured tie? Is there a masters degree for making feathers fly? They say this genre’s easy You pretend to disagree What will you do when they stop making movies Loosely based on rowling's leftover footnotes? Cause you’re just another gimmick Trying hard to compromise With leftover lyrics Of a character that millions of other idolize Write a bunch of filler lines Follow basic guidelines Then wait for the die-hard fans to make you shine Until the day you have to write regular songs. (repeat 1st chorus) Tell me, when The Well has run dry, what the fuck will you do? When then movies stop coming, what the fuck will you do? Post-Potter depression will one day come true When the franchise is done, you will find another one When the spin-off is done, what the fuck will you do? When the books are all gone, what the fuck will you do? Move on to a new franchise, ‘til you hit another limit And keep writing music under re-skinned old gimmicks!
13.
My name is Hagrid and I have to say This Hogwarts school is pretty lame There are too many stairs, what’s the deal? Why can't I get a teleporting meal? You call it a school? But it’s not that cool I’m to blame, but what can you do Your school is based whos a good boy Let’s see who’s dumbledores favourite toy You're the boy who lived, what a shame Your parents are dead and you’re to blame You came to this school to have a good time But you're just committing a terrible crime Hello, Hermione, you think you're so smart But yeah, hmm, where should I start? Your hair looks like its covered in flees But sadly it’s not as pretty as me teacher's pet, never by yourself Dumbledore thought you were a house-elf Oh hey, it’s Ron… what Oh yeah, the boy everyone forgot Ooh, roasted by the hag...ird Hagrid, he’s the best Puts the students to their rest Then he’s gonna eat their souls Cause he sold his for rock and roll There’s a snake in the bathroom, that’s my meal A troll in the dungeon? no big deal Children die and turn to stone While I’m at my cabin smoking some bone Maybe explain yourself Dumbledore Nope, you're too busy pissing on the floor You’re an old man, I can understand But leaving a baby alone is kinda bad plan Snape the incel, what a jerk. You're a bully who shouldn't work You're obsessed with a woman who's dead and still, she won't give you head Voldemort? Don’t make me laugh! You’re just as pathetic as your emo staff you make a big deal about tragedies you won't eat children in front of their families? HAHA LOSER You’re listening to the hagrid bonus track No, you cant have your money back!

about

An album written for 'How to make Wizard Rock' where I made the mistake of creating the ultimate shitpost album and becoming the worst Wizard Rocker (or WROCKer for short) in the world. All it did was teach me to never write an album in a few months ever again.

This version includes 3 bonus tracks that are hidden for a very good reason. The first one is Just Kidding (Mugglefucker). This track was written for the Trans Wrock Compilation and is still available there. It's only hidden cause I know this song could've been better.

The second song is Harry Potter Has a Gun. Which was originally going to be part of an album where every HP character has a gun. A sort of half-assed musical based on the parody trailer with the same name. I cancelled it because of America and my own growing hatred of guns.

The third song is an unreleased track called Do it Like a Durmstrang. Which was written for a Wizard Rock comp I already forgot the name of. I've never released it cause it was... generic. But it's here if you wanna hear the trainwreck.

credits

released November 24, 2020

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Pagefire Oslo, Norway

A bunch of music nerds that make music. The official bandcamp to Pagefire.

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