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1. |
Expecto My Fist
03:24
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MUSCLE WIZARD CASTS FIST
Dursley got a gun in my face?
Expecto my fist!
Dudley’s crying in the corner?
Expecto my fist!
There’s a basilik in the drain?
Expecto my fist!
Draco malfoy exist?
Expecto my fist!
Who-oah I don’t need a wand
To take care of you
Who-oh you’re gonna need it
When I’m done with you
So expecto my fist!
Ron beat me in wizard chess?
Expecto my fist!
Hermionie read a book?
Expecto my fist!
Who-oh I don’t need a want
To keep up in a fair fight
Who-oh you’re gonna need it
When I punch out your light
So expecto my fist!
Harry potter wears glasses?
Expecto my fist! NERD!
Dubledore’s gonna fire me?
Expecto my fist! Old man!
Voldemort wants me to die?
Don’t make me laugh
You’re not the first, not the last
And I'm gonna break your bones in half!
Who-oah I don’t need a wand
To take care of you
Who-oh you’re gonna need it
When I’m done with you
So expecto my fist!
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2. |
The Hairy Wizard
02:43
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My name is Hagrid and this is my game
I'll gonna kick the one who shall not be named
I'm an animal handler, the fairest of fair
I drive a motorcycle powered by hair
Father of fluffy, a dragons mom
When I was young I made a spider bomb
I'm cooler than a blizzard
I'm a hairy wizard
In the forbidden forest, that’s where I sing
saw a gingerbread house, I just ate the whole thing
I wasn’t hungry, but that’s how it goes
Someones homeless, selling their toes
I’m a forest keeper, what goes in is mine
Devoured students, no bones no crime
I’m not a tiny lizard
I’m a hairy wizard
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3. |
You're a Wizard, Harry
02:57
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You’re not a dementor, but you still suck at life
You’re not Dumbledore, you don't have an afterlife
You’re not a phoenix cause you can’t cheat death
You’re not Serious Black, cause you don't do meth
Let me tell you what you are
You’re a wizard harry!
You’re not a Boggard cause you only scare yourself
You can buy your own socks, so you’re not a house-elf
You’re not a minotaur cause don’t have 4 legs
You’re not a spider cause you don’t lay eggs
Let me tell you what you are
You’re a wizard harry!
You’re not a ghost cause you’re not that transparent
You’re not happy cause you don’t have parents
Let me tell you what you are
You’re a wizard harry!
You can never be Hagrid cause you're super fake
You’re a wizard harry! And it’s already too late
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4. |
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I should not have said that
I should not have said that
Now they want me dead
Dumbledore wants my head
cut on his dinner plate, oh yeah
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5. |
Half-Giant
04:06
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Half-Giant, Half-Stoned
Smoke crack, Watch Porn
Cmon harry dont be a wuss
I smoke alot, and not just kush
Lets drop some lsd
Cmon harry, do it for me
Your half giant, half-cool
I do drugs, not just in school
Cmon harry dont be a wuss
I smoke alot, and not just kush
Lets go smoke some cocain
Heroin makes me reach the arcane
Your half-giant, half-cool
Lets do drugs, you tiny tool
(Solo dialouge)
Smoke with em harry
I can see the dragon
Is magic real?
Are we real?
Existential giant, are we real?
Are we fiction, lets graba a meal.
Oh shit its the wizard cops
Runaway, leave harry
He’ll be fine in solitary
I’m not going back to azkaban
Time to fly off and live off the land
I have to change my identidy
And go on another killing skree
Half giant, do crime
Do drugs, rewind
“Uh yeah, dumbledore, harry didn't wanna come”
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6. |
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Shut up Dursley let, ya great prune
No one gives two-ton shit about you
Coming in my face, waving a gun
Well I'm gonna beat you with you son oh yeah
I’m gonna knock you down like I did the door
rip your guts out on the floor
This is fight school, welcome to class
I’m gonna kick you down and make you eat glass, so
Shut up Dursley, yeh great prune
I’m tired of the shit talk coming from you
I’m gonna break your bones with a wire
I’m gonna set your family on fire
You thought you could run away,
But you were wrong
I’m gonna hollow out your bones
And use them as a bong
And smoke you do the ground
I’m gonna put you down
Shut up Dursley let, ya great prune
No one gives two-ton shit about you
Coming in my face, waving a gun
Well I'm gonna beat you with you son oh yeah
Shut up Dursley, yeh great prune
I’m tired of the shit talk coming from you
I’m gonna break your bones with a wire
I’m gonna set your family on fire
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7. |
She's Taller Than Me
03:19
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I saw her coming a mile away
My heart skipped a beat
She caught a bird and swallowed it whole
Her teeth were bloody and sweet
Christmas day, the children ran wild
I can still hear their screams
You and I make one hell of a team
We will haunt their dreams
I never knew I could feel such joy when she took a bite
We danced in their blood all night
Yeah, She’s tall
Taller than me
Yeah she’s tall
Tall as a tree
She can reach the starts and heaven above
And laugh in the face of god
She made him cry, he fell from the sky
Man she’s one hell of a broad
The bigger they are, the harder I fall In her arms tonight
She cradles me in her gigantic bosoms of might
Oh and she’s tall
Taller than me
Yeah, she’s tall
I only reach up to her knee
Then came the night she said goodbye
the saddest day of my life
She said don’t cry you sad little fly
Or I’ll stab you with my knife
The scar she left on my forehead looks better than yours harry!
I’ll see her again cause she’s is the board I want to marry!
Yep, she’s tall
Taller than me
Hell yeah she’s tall (tall!!)
And one day we will be free
Oh my she’s tall
Like the fruit of the tallest tree
I can’t reach at all
At least we can all agree
She’s is tall!
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8. |
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Christmas time
Christmas time
Let’s all celebrate
Christmas time
Christmas time
Christmas time
Stop your whining on
Christmas time
Everyone gets a special toy
Except for voldemort who's an evil boy
Let’s re-enact the fall of troy
On christmas time!!!
Christmas crime
Christmas crime
Steal from Ron on
Christmas time (hey)
Christmas crime
Christmas crime
Everyone’s a criminal on
Christmas time
I get hungry for something stewed
But I don’t want boring wizard food
Time to start a blood feud
For some chicken and lime
Christmas Lime
Christmas Lime
Saddest meal on
Christmas time
Christmas Lime
Christmas Lime
I need to find a
better rhyme
(solo)
Christmas, time
Chicken, lime
Commit, crime
Better, rhyme x2
“Guys the song is too short, we need to filler it out a bit more. I dunno just repeat the verse/chorus thing again”
Filler time
I MEAN CHRISTMAS TIME
I’m running out of ideas
Filler time
Yeah, Filler time
Here's another chorus of mine
Harry is an orphan nerd
So I gave him a special bird
But now it’s dead… HAHA
Spoiler time!
Spoiler time
Spoiler time
Harry kills Voldemort
What a surprise
Harry’s in jail
Didn’t get bail
Downfall of this franchise
Put this on the next Jingle Spell compilation you cowards
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9. |
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*Bark*
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10. |
Unicorn Hunter
03:44
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Hagrid: ello ‘Arry
Harry: wot?
Hagrid: wanna go hunt some unicorns?
Harry: Fuck yeah Hagrid
Hagrid: How about you Hermione?
Hermione: I wanna bathe in unicorn blood
Hagrid: how about you ron?
Ron: why are we going in the forbidden forest?
Hardig: cause I’m hungry and I need bait
(Kids screaming in joy, ron goes what?)
Bring your crossbows
Bring out your stillborn
We're all gonna eat unicorn
Tonight
My fridge is empty
My rage is full
I got the strength of a raging bull
lets fight
A centaur steak tastes too much like a horse
Basilisks stew is way too coarse
I need a new taste that feels more distinct
Dodos are good, but I made them extinct
We’re all gonna hunt unicorn!
We’re all gonna kill unicorn!
We’re all gonna eat unicorn!
Throw it in a pot with some sweet sweet corn
We just got lost
With nothing to eat
Luckily ron’s here to be our treat
Ron: What?
Hagrid: I’m just joking hehe… unless
Birds are delicious, but I just ate a bunch
Spider sandwich has a lack of crunch
Merfolk sushi tastes like a rotten egg
But not as rotten as my house elf Greg
Hermione: Where is greg btw?
Hagrid: uhhh. On a farm.
Ron: can I visit him?
Hagrid: soon my delicious friend
Ron: ...Wait what does that mean?
We’re all gonna hunt unicorn!
We’re all gonna kill unicorn!
We’re all gonna eat unicorn!
Throw it in a pot with some sweet sweet corn
Hagrid: aw it’s just a wild Voldemort with a party hat. Wait... I haven't eaten THAT before.
We’re all gonna eat Voldemort!
We’re all gonna eat Voldemort!
We’re all gonna eat Voldemort!
Throw it in a pot before he takes us to court
EAT THE EVIDENCE KIDS (CHeerings and zombie noises)
Remember everyone when we get back, Ron was amputated because he “fell”
(kids agree, Ron complains)
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11. |
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I may be a Hogwarts student, but I’m also a satanist
aaahhhh
Sacrifice the Weasleys within immense inferno
behold his abode burn akin to dragon's breath
Ashes rush with the blast of behemoths
By that, I mean the toot of titans
Aaahhhh
ignite the gingers
For satan
In the forest they rush like weaklings
They despair the potent captain satans ahoy
I will sacrifice them with the castle
And attach their skin to stale
When I exhibit them she must relish me
The weakness from my fists will succumb
The blaze from the dirt mandate me
And by that I mean satan
I’mo, Not’o, Okay’o x2
The command of the strongest hunt
The agony is the honour for the prey
I seize the sheep and unseat him downward
bathe with the snakes in the pit
Serpentine abyss
Of toxin and gloom
Let it flood to the flesh
Covered in faeces
bathing in the basin of snakes
Crawling in the mass grave
Death eaters
More like bed wetters
I am the strongest, I am the one
Look into the serpents and despair
I was a Hogwarts student
now I’m the satanist
Sacrifice to me
Hagrid the greatest
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12. |
More Than a Gimmick
03:14
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Wizard rock is a dried-up river
How do these bands even look at themselves in the mirror
Singers and songwriters, desperate for material
I guess it’s very easy to write wizard song on that’s trivial
They say it’s not easy
I say it’s lemon squeezy
Cause this gimmick can only last
As long as we got books stuck in the past
Cause you’re more than a gimmick
You’re a parody in disguise
You’re just another mimic
Of a character from a franchise, you can’t criticize
Write a bunch of filler lines
Follow basic guidelines
Then wait for the die-hard fans to make you shine
Until the day this genre dies
You will never get your Hogwarts letter
Maybe that’s all for the better
When wizard school is done, which job can you get with that coloured tie?
Is there a masters degree for making feathers fly?
They say this genre’s easy
You pretend to disagree
What will you do when they stop making movies
Loosely based on rowling's leftover footnotes?
Cause you’re just another gimmick
Trying hard to compromise
With leftover lyrics
Of a character that millions of other idolize
Write a bunch of filler lines
Follow basic guidelines
Then wait for the die-hard fans to make you shine
Until the day you have to write regular songs.
(repeat 1st chorus)
Tell me, when The Well has run dry, what the fuck will you do?
When then movies stop coming, what the fuck will you do?
Post-Potter depression will one day come true
When the franchise is done, you will find another one
When the spin-off is done, what the fuck will you do?
When the books are all gone, what the fuck will you do?
Move on to a new franchise, ‘til you hit another limit
And keep writing music under re-skinned old gimmicks!
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13. |
The Hagrid Rap
03:20
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My name is Hagrid and I have to say
This Hogwarts school is pretty lame
There are too many stairs, what’s the deal?
Why can't I get a teleporting meal?
You call it a school? But it’s not that cool
I’m to blame, but what can you do
Your school is based whos a good boy
Let’s see who’s dumbledores favourite toy
You're the boy who lived, what a shame
Your parents are dead and you’re to blame
You came to this school to have a good time
But you're just committing a terrible crime
Hello, Hermione, you think you're so smart
But yeah, hmm, where should I start?
Your hair looks like its covered in flees
But sadly it’s not as pretty as me
teacher's pet, never by yourself
Dumbledore thought you were a house-elf
Oh hey, it’s Ron… what
Oh yeah, the boy everyone forgot
Ooh, roasted by the hag...ird
Hagrid, he’s the best
Puts the students to their rest
Then he’s gonna eat their souls
Cause he sold his for rock and roll
There’s a snake in the bathroom, that’s my meal
A troll in the dungeon? no big deal
Children die and turn to stone
While I’m at my cabin smoking some bone
Maybe explain yourself Dumbledore
Nope, you're too busy pissing on the floor
You’re an old man, I can understand
But leaving a baby alone is kinda bad plan
Snape the incel, what a jerk.
You're a bully who shouldn't work
You're obsessed with a woman who's dead
and still, she won't give you head
Voldemort? Don’t make me laugh!
You’re just as pathetic as your emo staff
you make a big deal about tragedies
you won't eat children in front of their families?
HAHA LOSER
You’re listening to the hagrid bonus track
No, you cant have your money back!
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